I thought I'd gotten over this long ago, but some things just keep coming back around. I've actually had a pretty good week, have started to acknowledge myself more for the contribution I make (thanks again to Scott's planner - "celebrate last week"), I've visited with some movers and shakers, and committed to moving and shaking a little more on my own. For all this, I just noticed how much I start to resist something when I declare that I am taking it on.
Or maybe it's just the size of the thing I take on. I have a rowing machine. I have rowed close to 12 million lifetime meters. Coming into this ranking year, I set a new goal for myself, a bit ambitious, but doable given my history. I started out okay, but somewhere along the line, just gave up. I'd miss a week, two weeks, a month. I took on a one month team challenge, and disappeared for two weeks in the middle of it. I have a half-marathon (running) happening next week. I haven't gotten my head around it yet. I obviously knew it was coming. I've gotten out to run a little, but I am not ready.
And it's obviously not just in the area of exercise I seem to be running to extremes. When I have blown off my diet, which I love keeping and feel better on, I've been binging, mostly on chocolate and doughnuts (it's the season). My cars, I didn't just wash, I detailed. The house and office hit a point of greater order than they've seen in quite some time, and now I'm having trouble finding my desktop.
I've set myself down to write, and spent hours on anything but. I notice I can see a big picture, but am not reducing it to the details, most of which I could manage. So what's missing is probably just integrity and perspective. I've been pretty good at keeping some promises (I pray every day and my kids are taken care of), but for those I am clear what the daily tasks are. I think for the bigger items, I just haven't taken the time to plan out what I need to do today to keep these in the realm of reality. And I don't know that it is, but I just hate calendars. I get the clarity they can provide, I'm keeping one at the moment, but mostly what's in it are the big “have to” appointments. It's almost like they go against who I am, but I get that that is just a function of what I declare and act on with integrity.
So I guess what's missing is me consistently bringing integrity to my actions, to actually put the keeping of my weekly planner in my calendar, to systematically break down each project to its component parts, and then determining if I really want to commit to what it takes today, right now, to keep that project alive.
So I am ready again to draw the line, but then I wonder if it won't just be in the sand again. So I will remind myself to Stop It!and I'll throw it out there anyway, because if I don't declare a new game, I probably won't be in action in anything.
So I commit - once again - to bringing workability to my life, starting with creating order in my home and office. And I commit to rowing at least 200 thousand meters this holiday challenge (that so used to not be a challenge), and we'll go for keeping my diet throughout the challenge, which means keeping it today. But first, I guess I'll put it down in my calendar.