As of today, we have been living in Bet Rimon for 12 years.
Yesterday, the anniversary of our flight, I took the opportunity to acknowledge Sharleen for who she is for us, for people, and for mankind, for her stand for Israel, for her stand for her friends and family, for her commitment to raising thoughtful, kind, generous, smart, engaged children, for her love, for her smile, for the grace and ease with which she does so many tasks I am sure she is tired of.
And Sharleen got to share with me some of the lives she's touched this week. We are clear that we made a profound and lasting difference in the relationships people have and the lives they lead.
I also got to call most of my team for the Landmark Forum, and acknowledged them as well. Along the way, I called my friend Ido - I needed a phone number - and got to be his friend and remind him to be mine.
This week I got to see how much I still live inside my narrative that I don't belong, and how incredibly attached I am to it, and I begin to see how much it costs, and I got to call my friend Ido, and let other people know I am there for them.
I also see how much I don't want to ask. I noticed it this morning coming back from synagogue. I want to be nice, I don't want to bother people, and I made my team small as a result. They came to assist to make a difference. For instance, after asking them to clean out the bathrooms for the umpteenth time, I just didn't want to ask them to take out the garbage (I so don't like doing it, I just couldn't ask someone else to), but I knew it was something we should do. Two of my girls just stepped up spontaneously and offfered to do it, and they did it with such joy, I was just blown away. First, they just noticed and took it on. Second, my reason for not asking was just bullshit.
Hevi, another member of my team, shared with me a practice of hers. She gets up every morning, looks in the mirror, and declares a possibility. I didn't have a mirror handy, but I declared that I am the Possibility of Joy. And I got to synagogue late/early - I messed up the time - and I lost it.
A big part of the Forum is choosing, and the point is you can't change a damned thing until you choose what is so. So I have it that I should choose Bet Rimon and Israel, but as soon as the should enters, it's not a choice. And what's there for me is just how much I hate it, how much I don't feel like this portion of my life in any way uses the best of me, how I feel twelve yearso of my life have been mostly wasted, and I'm only condemning myself to more.
I came to the Forum to because I want to see what's between me and being successful. What I pretend is that if I make enough money/put enough in the bank, I will somehow know I am successful and be in a position where I can make a difference. What's so is that I don't believe it, probably more that I know that no matter how much I make, unless I can get my father to be joyful, to give up some of his anger and frustration, I'll never feel like I've done a damned thing in this world. And I think maybe that if I make some money maybe he'll respect me, and I don't believe he ever will, so what's the use. And maybe I just have no respect for myself, which is a real pity, because everyone else seems to think I'm great. So I be good, because I don't really know how to be anything else, but I'll never be happy. And how can someone who can't be happy be the Possibility of Joy? Or help anyone else to be great and happy in his own life. But somehow I do do that, but it's always a fluke, and it's never enough, and everything about me, and my life, is somehow wrong. And all I want to do is escape, but there's no where to escape to.
And I have all these beautiful people around me, who somehow have to depend on me, and there's really nothing I can do; so I range somewhere between trying to be useful, and wishing I were dead.
And I get to give that up again, and again, and again. And I'm exhausted, because somehow I never really do.
So I guess what I have to acknowledge is that I am afraid I am just screwed up, and inside of that fear, I've created all sorts of rackets (we define this as a fixed way of being coupled with a complaint) and strong suits (ways we have of winning) to somehow prove to myself I'm not. Included are:
- I have to be right.
- I have to say the right thing.
- I have to protect myself.
- I have to not appear stupid.
- I'm different.
- I don't belong.
- I'm smarter than you are.
- I know better.
- I'm complicated.
- People suck.
- People don't really care.
- I'm smart.
- Things shouldn't be the way they are.
And what I get out of this work is that that these conversations don't need to run me. In fact they suck the fun right out of life. And I don't need to let them runn me, and I can create something else.
So the Possibility I am inventing for myself and my life is the Possibility of Being Bold and Free.
And I'm scared I don't know how to be that, or that it's just another thing I'll fail it, and I get to give that up too.
And I don't know if this leaves you in a powerful place or not. I just share it because I'm not doing to great a job keeping it bottled up.
And I choose that “I will live my life out of the principle I make a difference!” and I choose “to make [that] our love for each other what [my life is] really about.”
And I don't know where that leaves me either, which is good because I can let you and the universe help me figure it out.